God's open sky

So I have this amazing family member who I love to pieces but has completely different views of the world then I do.  No faith.  No belief.  When I questioned why she does not believe that God exists she shut down.  She bluntly said it's just a made up story.  Hmmm.  Now the Megan in me wants to scream and argue- SERIOUSLY??? How can she say that????  But the believer in me wants to understand why she feels that way.  What happened that she became so certain. So resistant to even discuss the possibility.  What took her hope away?  Now we were raised Catholic- which is just a big joke to me.  Kind of makes sense how someone could run away from God.  But I know God is not a sit, stand, kneel, pray, stand, kneel recipe.  God is not a particular prayer that you memorize.  God is not a set of rules.  Hell is not a threat for sin.  Confession is not a closed booth with a priest.  I know God is real.  God is love.  God is hope.  God is pouring your heart out in any form of expression your heart desires.  God is repentance.  God is mercy.  God is healing.  God is Abba- Daddy.  God is real as real can be.  God is well EVERYTHING.  But to my beloved misguided family member "God is make believe and I am a whacked out religious person."  GRRRR that makes me mad.  First I am not religious.  Don't even get me started on religion.  Second God may sound like a fairy tale- too good to be true- but he is true.  He is beyond what a non believer can imagine.  But He is TRUTH!  Now I may be- ok clearly am "whacked out."  But I am a whacked out crazy in love living proof that God is real.  Look at my life.  My story.  How can she not see what God has done and is doing in my life??  Hmmm- makes me think.  Am I living his love?  Am I a light to his glory?  Am I doing things right? Am I stopping her from believing??  Makes my heart crumble to think maybe I'm a cloud to her.  But then I hear the words of the song playing " He'll break open skies to save those who cry out his name, the one the wind and waves obey, strong enough to save you.  I know the weight of this world can take you down like gravity and I know the current of yourself can take you out, out to sea but hold on, hold on...you're not too far from grace..."  Makes me remember that I was lost once too. But God found me.  And He will find her too.  She may feel the gravity of this broken messy world, she may let the current of herself take her down- but she is not too far from His grace.  Can I argue His existence to her??  No.  Can I quote scripture to make her believe?? No.  Can I convince her to come to church to hear His word?? No. Can I be a light of God's love to her??  YES- but not on my own.  I am not my own- I am His.  He is mine.  He can open dark cloudy skies of crappy life to see His bright shining beauty.  So how do I do this.  I live my life the way God calls me to.  I trust Him.  I follow Him.  I let go of control (dang that stupid control thing again!).  I share my story.  I let her see the change in me on her own.  I let her watch me rise from the ashes, I let her watch me turn to Him for help, I let her see my heart committed to my God.  I be the me that God made me and is making me.  I don't push her.  I don't preach at her. I pray. I trust. I love.

A lesson in parenting by the one and only Lulu

So all three kids were playing in the girls bedroom.  I told my older two- Drew and Ella, I needed them to watch Lucy for a few minutes while Mommy was busy.  Both children said yes.  Both children heard me review the rules.  Yet as I walked out of the bedroom little Lulu followed me.  Neither Drew or Ella even noticed.  So I thought forget it- and off Lulu and I went to work on laundry.  Lulu always likes to "help" with laundry.  So sweet- pulls clothes out of dryer and off she runs throughout the house.  Well this time I took all the clothes out and set on top of washer so would not have to chase down missing pieces.  So I'm working away folding and hanging clothes.  Lu is right by my feet just messing around.  Or so I thought.  I turned to put something away- and wouldn't you know it- I forget a pair of pajamas in the dryer.  Only problem was- those cute little jammies were on my little monster.  Yup- Lulu climbed in the dryer.  Please do not turn me into CPS- I did not put her in the dryer- I simply forgot to close the dang door.  Cute as a button Lulu just grinned and giggled at her new discovery.
Now this simple event could have went many ways...
Reaction 1- I could have freaked out about the horrible things that could have happened.  Along with this I can totally beat myself up and convince myself I'm the worse mother ever.  Forgetting all the things I have ever done right and focusing completely on this mistake.  I could compare myself to other moms who would never let this happen, thus believing I would never be good enough for my kids.  I can go on...
Reaction 2- I could remove her from the dryer- firmly tell her no.  Move on...
Reaction 3- I could have left her there- went and asked her big brother and big sister how things were going and is Lucy ok... then make them hunt for her. 
Reaction 4- Take a picture as I laugh my heart out.  Focusing on the silliness of the situation.  Remind myself no parent is perfect.  Kids will be kids.  One year olds curriousity will conqure any parenting skills. 

Guess which one I chose.  I know kind of hard- they all sound like me.  In the past I definetly would have chose reaction 1.  Would have felt like a failure at the simplest mistake.  But not this time.  I chose reaction 4.  I was so surprised all I could do was laugh.  And boy did I giggle.  I know probably not the best choice.  But ya know what... I don't care anymore.  I admit- I am not the Mom of the year, but I am the Mom God called me to be.  Broken and flawed but full of love for my kids.  And that is what they need.  God is working in me- breaking down walls of guilt and failure I have created.  See that is what a lot of us do as parents.  Compare our self to John and Susie's mom.  Carefully pointing out all the things she does right- without a clue of her actual screw ups.  Because trust me- John and Susie's mom is not as picture perfect as you paint her.  And nor is their father- sure his yard might be perfectly mowed and car polished and shiny- prob playing catch with Johnny and teaching little Susie to ride her bike at the same time- blah blah blah- Super Dad.  It's just nonsense.  You know what my sister taught my son to ride is his bike without training wheels.  Sweetest dang thing ever- munchkin practiced forever secretly to surprise me on my birthday.  Does that make his Dad or Stepdad less of a Dad- NOPE.  Does that make me less of a mom- heck no.  I finally get it- still beat myself up sometimes.  But I'm learning to just be me.  Do what I can and not condemn myself for what I cannot.  One of the best pieces of advice I have heard is that God does not call the qualified, he qualifes the called.  See God did not make me a mom because I am qualifed to be one.  God qualifes me in my calling.  He meets me at my weakest points and carries me thru.  Without Him- I could not do it.  Parenting is insanely hard!  It's also insanely worth it.  But it is no walk in the park.  I cannot imagine how anyone could be a parent without their heavenly Father sharing that journey.  Anyways I'm rambling. 

Lesson learned:  Kids will be kids.  No parent is perfect.  Enjoy the journey- but do not forget to notice the importance of your Father's guidance.

Mom Guilt

Yesterday I gave birth to most snuggley little baby boy ever...so warm and cuddly and well just full of honest innocence.  Today I woke up to this sweet little one sneaking in my bed to have snuggle time with Mommy.  Of course Mommy begged for just a few more minutes of sleep and quiet time.  HA!  Not with my munchkin- He's so chatty and full of "Hey Mommy did you know"s.  Wait- confused- well my sweet little angel baby is actually 5 and 1/2 now.  Not just 5- five and a half!  Guess I must have really overslept.  See the thing is kids grow up sooooooo incredibly fast.  Blink and you miss out on the best moments.  I feel like I went from mom of one tiny little baby to mom of three monkeys overnight.  I guess I did jump from mom of one to mom of one and stepmom of one pretty instantly when my prince charming swept me off my feet.  So lucky!  Not only did I find prince charming but I was blessed with the most amazing little princess at the same time.  Talk about a fairy tale re- invented.  See the stepmom/child is not always evil Mr. Disney.  Don't worry I'm not going to attack Disney- actually love Disney.  Just wish some of the stories were little more close to the reality kids experience- of course guess that would require a huge change in perspective of what a fairy tale really is.  But wait- I'm getting completely sidetracked.  So bam I had 2 kids- then bam again I was prego!  This time God blessed me with a sweet baby girl- my Lucy- better known as Lulu- or if you ask my son- her name is Luey.  See God had a plan- he knew I was stuck in the world of a little boy and would need a better understanding of little girls to help parent my inherited princess.  Well it work- see I think having a little boy is super fun and well just AWESOMELY ENTERTAINING.  But having a little girl is like a step back to being a little girl- so much more delicate.  Don't get me wrong my son is delicate- but in a delicate kind of stubborn temper way.  Ha.  Anyway my teeny tiny little baby girl is sneaking her way into a wild toddler way too soon. She's almost 11 months now and practically running.  So what I'm getting at is I am having a "my kids are growing up too fast" mom moment.  And I'm not sure where to go from here- or what to do.  My son starts Kindergarten in just over a month.  I'm sooooooooo NOT ready for that.  Yet he is.  And my little princess is only a year away from it.  I worry I will smother my little baby girl out of fear of losing my older babies.  Have to at least keep one a baby.  Yet I know that is not the right choice.  I have to support the new stages of their lives- and oh how fun each stage is when you allow it to be.  I have to change my attitude from "my baby is growing up too fast :( " to "look what my baby can do now!" 

But my bigger issue is mom guilt.  What do I mean you ask?  Well I don't know about all moms- but I know there are at least some moms who fall for this mom guilt crap like I do.  Here is my struggle.  So I am a working mom- full time- 40 hours a week.  So I'm constantly busy...constantly.  And my kids are still young so I know this will only get crazier as they join sports and make friends...ahhhh!  Anyway I beat myself up for not being a good enough mom.  I tell myself I'm not home enough, I'm too busy, I can't keep up, I failed my kids again, I wish I was like so and so- she's such a perfect mom- why can't I be like her...blah blah blah.  The thing I have learned is no mom is perfect.  None!  Nope not even one!  But we sure paint them to be perfect.  We think- she has it all together- look how well behaved her kids are, look how nice her kids outfits are- they all match- perfect, look at how clean her house it... blah blah blah.  But guess what behind the scenes she is probably a wreck too.  Probably beats herself up over dumb crap too.  Right I beat myself up that I'm not giving my kids the time they need.  It's a vicious circle of confusion and stupidity.  So I could make a list of all the things I do wrong as a mom and set goals to improve these areas...BULL CRAP!  For one- I don't have time to make a list that long and well it would only make me feel worse.  Or I could make a list of what a great mom I am and how many things I do right- MORE CRAP!  For starters- not that long of list and would sink right back into- my list is shorter than hers nonsense.  OR I could quit being such a butthead and open my eyes and see I have three amazing little rascals whose clothes might not match perfectly and hair little messy and slightly wild- ha- but they LOVE ME!!!  See I know I am not a perfect mom- but I am the perfect mom FOR THEM! 

Church

So was talking about blogs and realized how much I miss writing on here.  So I'm back!  Yea me!

Here is what I am thinking about.  Church.  Eek...touchy subject for some.  But I'm going there.  You can agree or disagree with me- doesn't matter.  I'm simply sharing my opinion.

What is church?  Well for the longest time I struggled with this- struggled with all the bologna that comes along with church- the politics- the he said she said high school garbage, the need to please and compete with other members, membership, just the nonsense that tends to creep its way into GOD'S house.  Well after much prayer and time arguing with God about it- we came to a conclusion.  Notice how I said "we"  HA.  Well God explained it to me gently.
Church is not what the world thinks it is.  It is probably not what you think it is.  It was definitely not what I thought is was.  Church is well..NOT ABOUT ME.  It's not about making me feel good or safe, it's not about cheering me up when I'm down, it's not about responsibility or obligation, its not about the sermon, it's not about the music, it's not about the person sitting beside you- or Pastor in front of you.  It's not about heaven or hell.  It does not make you a christian, it does not make you saved, it does not make you better than someone not attending, it does not mean you are closer to God just because you are there.  Church is and always should be about GOD.  Not religion, not emotions, not a building, not a choir.  Church should simply be a place where you praise God, remember God, notice God, SHARE WITH GOD.  It does not have to be in a certain building, it can be anywhere you and God make it.  Church is a time to tell God how much you love him or how angry you are some days.  It's simply a connection point in my opinion.  A wonderfully amazing special friend in my life was once told by a pastor that her loved one would not go to heaven simply because she did not attend church.  Honestly I want to smack that man.  I want to kick him with my cowboys boots and give him an ear full of my opinion.  I want to shout at him about who MY GOD IS!!!  I want ask him who is he to judge her and what kind of pastor would say that to a person in deep grief anyway.  GRRRRRRR!!  STOP- I know you are thinking what kind of christian does that make me.... Well here is my answer- ZIP IT- I'M REAL.  I'm not a sugar coated and smile and pretend I know it all and am perfect.  I am not going to act like I have it all together.  Truth- I'm more screwed up than you.  I'm a sinner.  I make mistakes.  I have REAL emotions.  I AM MEGAN BREANNE SHIELDS and well I'm a mess- BUT.... GOD LOVES ME ANYWAY.  Loves you too!  No matter how screwed up you are.  If you were perfect you wouldn't need God and well God wouldn't need you either.  That's just not how he operates.   If you are curious about more of my opinions- stay tuned.... no filter--- I'm going to stand for what I know and tell the world one person at a time just who my God is.

Oh where o where has my little blog been, oh where oh where could it be....

I know I'm a dork.  But if ya love me that's probably why- because I am such a nut.  Not sure why have not been on here...guess just swamped with holidays and munchkins.  Forgot how much energy a baby takes...  But she is worth every late night, early morning, aching neck for sleeping in recliner on couch, and all day yawns....
Anyways not much to say- but wanted to share a something I read and love.

Do you seriously think God cannot use you???
NOAH was a drunk....
ABRAHAM was too old....
ISAAC was a daydreamer....
JACOB was a liar....
LEAH was ugly....
JOSEPH was abused....
MOSES couldn't talk....
GIDEON was afraid....
SAMSON had long hair and was a womanizer....
RAHAB was a prostitute....
JEREMIAH and TIMOTHY were too young....
DAVID had an affair and was a murderer....
ELIJAH was suicidal....
ISAIAH preached naked....
JONAH ran away from God....
NAOMI was a widow....
JOB went bankrupt....
JOHN the Baptist ate bugs....
PETER denied Christ....
THE DISCIPLES fell asleep while praying....
MARTHA worried about everything....
MARY MAGDALENE was demon possessed....
The SAMARITAN WOMAN was divorced... more than once!!....
ZACCHEUS was too small....
PAUL was too religious....
TIMOTHY had an ulcer....
and LAZARUS WAS DEAD!!!!
Think I have prob read that several times, but always a good reminder that if God used all the broken messes above, including me...then He can use YOU!

My Granny...

So last night I was snuggling up my little Lulu just before I tucked her in for bed and I was just in awe of her adorableness (if that's a word).  So as I'm staring at her I could not stop thinking about how much she reminds me of my Granny Pat.  It's a combination of her gentle sweet personality and her grin...and the dark hair brings a resemblance too.  Made me miss my Granny so much.  I can only imagine how she would gush over Lucy.  I remember taking my son Drew to see her just after he was born and it melted my heart to see just how quickly she fell in love with him.  See my Granny is the single best Granny in the world- You heard me...SHE IS THE BEST.  I am sure you have a wonderful grandma too- but not like my GRANNY.  Don't care what you say- yours cannot compare.  My Granny Pat had the biggest heart and generous spirit you could imagine.  She would do anything for her family and prob anyone in the world- but her best gift was her time.  She always had time for everyone.  Time to help friends, visit others, watch her group of wild grandchildren, make breakfast- mmmm soooo yummy, cook a real homemade meal- meat and potatoes with the best gravy ever (secret was the gravy jar- that somehow disappeared leaving us all hopeless in recreating), taking people places, make homemade apple butter for everyone she knew..I can still smell it cooking (my fav smell in the world) , you name it....she always had time for everything and everyone and NEVER seemed stressed or rushed.  I remember going to Granny and Pa's every Sat for dinner.  All of us- aunts, uncles, cousins....I mean a houseful!  I miss it so much...and a lot of times all the grandkids would stay the night... usually five of us at once.  She would let us play dress up with her stuff, put on talent shows, build tents with tons of blankets and tables and chairs everywhere...was she crazy??? Nope.  Just full of love and patience.  And when I sit here remembering so many amazing things about her- I see them in my mom and aunt and uncles too.  Her kids are full of the same compassion for others, the same patient hearts, same generosity.  And it amazes me.  All I can do is hope that her personality continues to spread to me and my siblings...and my kiddos.  Gosh how I wish they could meet her.   Grandparents are so special- and I am blessed to have the best Granny and Pa a girl could ask for.

let me count my blessings.. :)

Top ten things I'm so thankful for:

1) My God-his mercy, his grace, his LOVE.  I am because he is. 
2) My Family- Matt, Drew, Ella, and Lucy- how lucky am I! Two wildly funny munchkins and one perfect innocent baby- and Matt to keep me sane yet drive me crazy :)  My soulmate! My amazingingly wonderful and over generous Mom- be lost without her!  My sisters- Chandra and Tiffany- can't even count how many times they have saved the day for me.  My Dad- gone but never forgotten- made me the stubborn weido that I am.  Gosh I LOVE my family. 
3) More Group- WOW!  Strangers who instantly became friends that are like family to me.  People who just love you for who you are- people who actually except you despite your brokenness and screwed up life.  Especially our fearless leaders- Doc and Melissa- who have picked me up out of the dirt and encouraged me endless times.  I'm so blessed to be part of this group.
4) My extended family- My Grandpa Jack, my aunts and uncles and cousins!  And my former inlaws- Bill, Donna, and my Meg- once a family- always a family
5) My coworkers- Lucy, Jamie, Michelle, Kim, and super floats- Laura, Jessica, and Norma- Love you girls- cannot recall a day that I did not laugh at work.  This job would suck without you all :)
6) My health- HA HA HA- so my cholesterol may be off the chart bad- and I'm techincally obese- but hey I'm alive and kicking. 
7) My house- I'm blessed to have a home- small as it may be- we are snug as a bug.  There are so many that don't have that simple luxury as a roof over their head.
8) My job- far from my dream job- but could be sooooo much worse.  Pays most of my bills...
9) My past- yup my past.  Good times and bad- wouln't be who I am or where I am if it had not happened just how it did.
10) My future- who know what it will bring- a marrige someday to my sweetheart Matt- no more kids- unless Ella gets her way and we take in all the children without a mommy or daddy- BLESS HER SWEET LITTLE HEART- she will share her room and toys.  I'm sure there will be happy times, bad days, tragedies, smiles, laughs, sickness, joy beyond belief, some of this some of that- but I will trust God where he leads me (might be angry and kick and scream and try to control every detail- but where he leads me I will eventually let go and follow)  Hey at least I'm honest :)

Happy Thanksgiving