Top ten things I'm so thankful for:
1) My God-his mercy, his grace, his LOVE. I am because he is.
2) My Family- Matt, Drew, Ella, and Lucy- how lucky am I! Two wildly funny munchkins and one perfect innocent baby- and Matt to keep me sane yet drive me crazy :) My soulmate! My amazingingly wonderful and over generous Mom- be lost without her! My sisters- Chandra and Tiffany- can't even count how many times they have saved the day for me. My Dad- gone but never forgotten- made me the stubborn weido that I am. Gosh I LOVE my family.
3) More Group- WOW! Strangers who instantly became friends that are like family to me. People who just love you for who you are- people who actually except you despite your brokenness and screwed up life. Especially our fearless leaders- Doc and Melissa- who have picked me up out of the dirt and encouraged me endless times. I'm so blessed to be part of this group.
4) My extended family- My Grandpa Jack, my aunts and uncles and cousins! And my former inlaws- Bill, Donna, and my Meg- once a family- always a family
5) My coworkers- Lucy, Jamie, Michelle, Kim, and super floats- Laura, Jessica, and Norma- Love you girls- cannot recall a day that I did not laugh at work. This job would suck without you all :)
6) My health- HA HA HA- so my cholesterol may be off the chart bad- and I'm techincally obese- but hey I'm alive and kicking.
7) My house- I'm blessed to have a home- small as it may be- we are snug as a bug. There are so many that don't have that simple luxury as a roof over their head.
8) My job- far from my dream job- but could be sooooo much worse. Pays most of my bills...
9) My past- yup my past. Good times and bad- wouln't be who I am or where I am if it had not happened just how it did.
10) My future- who know what it will bring- a marrige someday to my sweetheart Matt- no more kids- unless Ella gets her way and we take in all the children without a mommy or daddy- BLESS HER SWEET LITTLE HEART- she will share her room and toys. I'm sure there will be happy times, bad days, tragedies, smiles, laughs, sickness, joy beyond belief, some of this some of that- but I will trust God where he leads me (might be angry and kick and scream and try to control every detail- but where he leads me I will eventually let go and follow) Hey at least I'm honest :)
Happy Thanksgiving
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
What am I thankful for...
So last night I was asked "What am I thankful for?" And of course I said "Lucy!" Such a sweet little perfect baby how could I not be. But I must be honest with the world..there were times during pregnancy and after that I questioned my choices and was not so grateful. Now listen-
I LOVE MY DAUGHTER TO THE MOON AND BACK AND WOULD NOT TRADE HER FOR ANYTHING IN THE WORLD!!!!
But out of honesty- when I found out I was pregant I was terrified- excited but so beyond nervous and shocked. See Matt and I knew we wanted a baby- but did not intend to have one so soon. And after 5, yes FIVE negative preg tests I had convinced myself I was NOT pregnant. I had the stomach flu- that is why I could not stop vomitting- that is why I went to my doctor. My doc convinced me to take one more preg test just to be sure- so I reluctantly agreed...took my test and left the office on my merry way back to work. Well I was barely around the corner when my phone rang asking that I come back to the office b/c doc wanted to talk to me more....and I knew. Yet me being stubborn still questioned him- was this a joke- was he messing with me??? How could I be pregnant. How???? Well I was. And the preg was not peachy picture perfect experience. It was rocky! My hormones went in every direction my emotions flip flopped daily- sometimes hourly-HA- poor Matt. Matt and I had a major relationship meltdown- and his family who I thought I got along great with attacked me and kids. Including telling my future step daughter to kick me in belly to kill the baby. Yes someone actually told this to Ella. Sad. Matt and I tried to go to our Pastor for counseling only to feel pushed out of the church for our choices and actions. My world crashed. I was terrifed- how would I raise baby without Matt if we split- how could I keep away from his crazy family, how could I afford, how? how? how? Instant panic. I considered options I never imagined. But I was not thinking- I was not trusting, I did not turn to God for help. I feared so deeply for this baby to have a better life than what I thought I could ever give that I wanted to run away and give up. Anyway once I finally turned to God things settled down, Matt and I worked issues out and comitted to our family and each other. I elimated people from my life that judged and attacked me- I reached out for help. I found new friends in new places and all was well. Physically and emotionally drained - but ok. I was not thankful for timing of pregnacy but excited for baby. Then finally induction day came. Out came this little perfect girl and I melted. I was overcome with joy. I was so thankful and so blessed and just amazed at what God had done and was doing in my life. So thankful to have Matt to go thru this with- so thankful to have a daddy for my little baby. A daddy that loved his daughter to the moon and back. Now trust me it has not been ideal at times- like everyones life sometimes things just suck. There are good days and bad- but I cannot imagine my life any different. I have 2 children and a future stepdaughter and a fiance (Yes Matt I will set a date) who love me and each other dearly. I watch Drew and Ella just melt over Lucy and think gosh she is the luckiest baby in the world- to have two siblings that adore her- I mean really adore her- how special. This baby that I was so worried I could not give a good life...wow she is SOOOOO loved! By family, by friends (more than more group- especially), by coworkers, by neighbors, by her Mommy and Daddy, and most importantly by God. A father that knew exactly what he was doing when he created her- and placed her in my belly with love and never left our side. So that is what I am most thankful for today. Will post a complete list closer to Thanksgiving.
I LOVE MY DAUGHTER TO THE MOON AND BACK AND WOULD NOT TRADE HER FOR ANYTHING IN THE WORLD!!!!
But out of honesty- when I found out I was pregant I was terrified- excited but so beyond nervous and shocked. See Matt and I knew we wanted a baby- but did not intend to have one so soon. And after 5, yes FIVE negative preg tests I had convinced myself I was NOT pregnant. I had the stomach flu- that is why I could not stop vomitting- that is why I went to my doctor. My doc convinced me to take one more preg test just to be sure- so I reluctantly agreed...took my test and left the office on my merry way back to work. Well I was barely around the corner when my phone rang asking that I come back to the office b/c doc wanted to talk to me more....and I knew. Yet me being stubborn still questioned him- was this a joke- was he messing with me??? How could I be pregnant. How???? Well I was. And the preg was not peachy picture perfect experience. It was rocky! My hormones went in every direction my emotions flip flopped daily- sometimes hourly-HA- poor Matt. Matt and I had a major relationship meltdown- and his family who I thought I got along great with attacked me and kids. Including telling my future step daughter to kick me in belly to kill the baby. Yes someone actually told this to Ella. Sad. Matt and I tried to go to our Pastor for counseling only to feel pushed out of the church for our choices and actions. My world crashed. I was terrifed- how would I raise baby without Matt if we split- how could I keep away from his crazy family, how could I afford, how? how? how? Instant panic. I considered options I never imagined. But I was not thinking- I was not trusting, I did not turn to God for help. I feared so deeply for this baby to have a better life than what I thought I could ever give that I wanted to run away and give up. Anyway once I finally turned to God things settled down, Matt and I worked issues out and comitted to our family and each other. I elimated people from my life that judged and attacked me- I reached out for help. I found new friends in new places and all was well. Physically and emotionally drained - but ok. I was not thankful for timing of pregnacy but excited for baby. Then finally induction day came. Out came this little perfect girl and I melted. I was overcome with joy. I was so thankful and so blessed and just amazed at what God had done and was doing in my life. So thankful to have Matt to go thru this with- so thankful to have a daddy for my little baby. A daddy that loved his daughter to the moon and back. Now trust me it has not been ideal at times- like everyones life sometimes things just suck. There are good days and bad- but I cannot imagine my life any different. I have 2 children and a future stepdaughter and a fiance (Yes Matt I will set a date) who love me and each other dearly. I watch Drew and Ella just melt over Lucy and think gosh she is the luckiest baby in the world- to have two siblings that adore her- I mean really adore her- how special. This baby that I was so worried I could not give a good life...wow she is SOOOOO loved! By family, by friends (more than more group- especially), by coworkers, by neighbors, by her Mommy and Daddy, and most importantly by God. A father that knew exactly what he was doing when he created her- and placed her in my belly with love and never left our side. So that is what I am most thankful for today. Will post a complete list closer to Thanksgiving.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
My Dad vault
I lost my father a little over 3 and 1/2 years ago. It happened so quickly and unexpectedly that I still have not fully processed it. Somedays it feel like it happened yesterday- others feels like he has been gone forever. I can still remember the sound and exact tone of his voice, can see his face perfectly, I can remember just about everything- his scent, his laugh, his yell, his odd sense of humor that I think I am the only one who ever really got. I remember him reading Go Dog Go to Drew just the night before he disappeared from my life. I can remember his notes on my Birthday simply saying to have a good day and that he loved me. But my most favorite thing- waking up on Christmas and Dad always calling me to tell me Merry Christmas and a hug from him when I saw him... I cannot let go of. I crave it. And not just on Christmas- it attacks me for weeks before Christmas- making me dread the day. So today I struggle missing him. It's funny how something that simple can mean so much. It amazes me how I can go on day to day and be fine- then something triggers his memory and it's like I collapse. Just the other day Drew was playing with a blanket that I share with him- the most simple brown fleece blanket- only cost $5 from walmart. Yet worth a million to me. See it's one of the last Christmas memories I have of my Dad... we had ran to walmart on Christmas Eve because Dad just had to get a new wireless mouse for the computer- could not wait...see once he set his mind there was no stopping him. Knowing dad he had prob researched for hours the right mouse to buy and finally made a decision and had to go get it then. Funny fellow. Well I went with him because I wanted a cheap fleece blanket for my desk at work. Dad ended up buying it for me. Silly memory because he's bought me a million things- but that was last time I remember shopping with him. So seeing Drew mess around with it- triggered my Dad vault. My place inside that I lock everything up about him and rarely let a memory out- too fearful to share because makes me sad in end and don't want to upset family with memory. But there are certain things I have noticed always trigger dad memories:
*certain foods- eggs and bacon- ah Dad made the best
*house repairs- Dad always saved the day
*kids books- Dad picked the best -Goodnight Moon, On the Night You Were Born
*Survivor- Dad always knew what was going to happen
*computer problems- Dad would spend hours to fix.
See I spent a large part of my life butting heads completely with my Dad- then somehow we came to understand each other in a way that no one else understands one another. Maybe its our similar tempers and ability to flip out over nothing. HA. Maybe its our quirky odd sense of sarcasm and humor. HA. Guess I more of a Daddy's girl than I knew.
Grief sucks. But trust me you cannot avoid it forever. No matter what you do it always come back. You can lock it deep down inside like it try to in my Dad vault- something will drag it up. You also cannot live it everyday. You cannot let the grief swallow you whole. You cannot dwell on the what ifs or the whys. You have to face it. You have to accept it even if you don't want to. You have to move on. You have to chose to remember what you can and let go of what you cannot. Grief doesn't ever completely go away, but you can learn to manage it. You can learn what triggers it and what helps you from sinking into depression over it. Everone tells you it will get easier. Part of me agrees- but part of me wants to scream at them to shut up they don't know what they are talking about. In someways it does get easier- but I think its not really that its eaiser it's just becomes more normal- more uncomfortably comfortable. Anyways enough of my rambles. Bottom line- I miss my Dad so insanely much that it hurts- and the journey through this grief is hard- it sucks! Yet I have found that the thing that helps the most is..THIS. Remembering and sharing. Opening my Dad vault just enough to share- just enough to revist memories- just enough to smile and to laugh- just enough to hurt a lot and heal a little. HA- sometimes the vault door opens and I try to slam it shut. Makes me think of when I was a teenager and would slam my bedroom door only to hear my Dad threaten to take my door off completely if I did it again. Oh Dad- if you only knew...
*certain foods- eggs and bacon- ah Dad made the best
*house repairs- Dad always saved the day
*kids books- Dad picked the best -Goodnight Moon, On the Night You Were Born
*Survivor- Dad always knew what was going to happen
*computer problems- Dad would spend hours to fix.
See I spent a large part of my life butting heads completely with my Dad- then somehow we came to understand each other in a way that no one else understands one another. Maybe its our similar tempers and ability to flip out over nothing. HA. Maybe its our quirky odd sense of sarcasm and humor. HA. Guess I more of a Daddy's girl than I knew.
Grief sucks. But trust me you cannot avoid it forever. No matter what you do it always come back. You can lock it deep down inside like it try to in my Dad vault- something will drag it up. You also cannot live it everyday. You cannot let the grief swallow you whole. You cannot dwell on the what ifs or the whys. You have to face it. You have to accept it even if you don't want to. You have to move on. You have to chose to remember what you can and let go of what you cannot. Grief doesn't ever completely go away, but you can learn to manage it. You can learn what triggers it and what helps you from sinking into depression over it. Everone tells you it will get easier. Part of me agrees- but part of me wants to scream at them to shut up they don't know what they are talking about. In someways it does get easier- but I think its not really that its eaiser it's just becomes more normal- more uncomfortably comfortable. Anyways enough of my rambles. Bottom line- I miss my Dad so insanely much that it hurts- and the journey through this grief is hard- it sucks! Yet I have found that the thing that helps the most is..THIS. Remembering and sharing. Opening my Dad vault just enough to share- just enough to revist memories- just enough to smile and to laugh- just enough to hurt a lot and heal a little. HA- sometimes the vault door opens and I try to slam it shut. Makes me think of when I was a teenager and would slam my bedroom door only to hear my Dad threaten to take my door off completely if I did it again. Oh Dad- if you only knew...
Thursday, November 10, 2011
my blog...because...
So I created a blog because... just because. Because I wanted to, because I have stuff to say, because writing is my outlet, because...
No real master plan- no grand topic....just a peek into me and my life.
Maybe no one will read it, or maybe tons will. Really does not matter- so if you are reading this enjoy and if you are not thats ok too.
Why title it BECAUSE. Well because the idea of because intrigues me.
BECAUSE: for the reason that; due to the fact that
Everyone wants a reason...everyone wants to know why. Everyone needs an explanation. The mom explanation BECAUSE I SAID SO. Ha :) Hated that as a kid- but makes perfect sense now.
Back to how because intrigues me. Well I was reading the online journal of one of my fav bands-Tenth Avenue North- and came across a great question:
"For what purpose am I living for God? To be accepted or because I already am?"
Huh..I guess I kinda always thought we are to live our lives FOR God, when in truth we live BECAUSE of God. It's an awesome journal entry- check it out...www.tenthavenuenorth.com page 8 of journal- titled Don't live for God.
So today I start my journey living because.... Because God loves me- yup thats right he loves me. And ya know what...He loves YOU too!
No real master plan- no grand topic....just a peek into me and my life.
Maybe no one will read it, or maybe tons will. Really does not matter- so if you are reading this enjoy and if you are not thats ok too.
Why title it BECAUSE. Well because the idea of because intrigues me.
BECAUSE: for the reason that; due to the fact that
Everyone wants a reason...everyone wants to know why. Everyone needs an explanation. The mom explanation BECAUSE I SAID SO. Ha :) Hated that as a kid- but makes perfect sense now.
Back to how because intrigues me. Well I was reading the online journal of one of my fav bands-Tenth Avenue North- and came across a great question:
"For what purpose am I living for God? To be accepted or because I already am?"
Huh..I guess I kinda always thought we are to live our lives FOR God, when in truth we live BECAUSE of God. It's an awesome journal entry- check it out...www.tenthavenuenorth.com page 8 of journal- titled Don't live for God.
So today I start my journey living because.... Because God loves me- yup thats right he loves me. And ya know what...He loves YOU too!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
thump, thump.....FLATLINE
So I swear my heart stopped for a least a minute last night. I was sound asleep (well as sound as a mom can sleep.HA) and my sweet little baby Lulu is just a few feet away snug as a bug in her crib- or so I thought. First of all there is nothing more sweet and calming as a sleeping baby. I must take a huge sigh of relief at bedtime when my baby finally falls asleep. It's my only quiet time, my only peace from the busy life of a houseful of munchkins. Second there is nothing more startling than waking to something going wrong with your baby. Lucy started coughing- which has been common because getting over a cold, but this cough was different. My mom ears perked up and I jumped out of bed to find her gagging and barely breathing. Instant panic- everything froze- my world stopped...dead silence... all I could say was "Matt" not loud- just normal voice and man did Dad jump. Funny because I think we both had a heart attack at the same time. Lucy gasped and caught her breath. All happened in just a few seconds- but felt like eternity. So ended up a sleepless night because my mom worries kicked in and was paranoid the rest of the night. Isn't being a mom great? Yup- little sarcasm there... but really it is great...exausting, frustrating, and amazing all at the same time. Being a parent means sacrafice, means doing things you don't always want to do, means putting someone before yourself, means learning new ways to do things, means changing your plans constantly, means being awoke in the middle of the night, means losing control. WHOA... losing control is not something I signed up for. Not at all. See I have a control issue- guess its good I know it- but issue still there. But my little ones are breaking me of it- teaching me I cannot control everything. But being a parent also means joy, means laughing so hard you cry, means being loved no matter what, means fun, means being blessed, means experiences beyond imagination, means everything.
So what did I notice in all this. I noticed that down to the detail God designed me to be a mom. Noticed that God created me with amazing ears. HA. Ears that can hear the tiniest cry and ears that can tune out the loudest screams. He made me strong as steel, yet fragile as glass. Made me selfish, yet sacraficing. Made me crave sleep, yet function without it. Gave me a heart that can hold more love than I could ever imagine. And to think He loves me more....
So what did I notice in all this. I noticed that down to the detail God designed me to be a mom. Noticed that God created me with amazing ears. HA. Ears that can hear the tiniest cry and ears that can tune out the loudest screams. He made me strong as steel, yet fragile as glass. Made me selfish, yet sacraficing. Made me crave sleep, yet function without it. Gave me a heart that can hold more love than I could ever imagine. And to think He loves me more....
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